I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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