guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
our cab driver is having phone sex.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
