also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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