The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
