I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
