I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
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