I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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