Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
