kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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