batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
