Where is the hickey?
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
