I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
