remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
