When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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