Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I am midnight drunk by noon
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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