It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
