I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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