i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
