I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Randomize
