she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Every concussion has its silver lining
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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