mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
