dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
