After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
