Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
