You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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