Four minutes until I can fart!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
