so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
