ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize