Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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