You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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