That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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