I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
