Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
