Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize