Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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