I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
