dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize