I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
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