mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
