He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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