i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize