I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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