are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
