She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
