Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
