i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
