Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
