i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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