I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
