We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
