if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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