6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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