Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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