I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
