I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
